Ted writes:Dear Squiffy,
A number of years ago I was a sergeant in the British Army. However, unfortunately I was wounded while running away from a cat. I’ve always had a phobia of cats, and this one really gave me the creeps; it was white and furry and had weird eyes. While running I tripped and broke my arm in six places. The army discharged me, saying that I was a coward and of little use militarily.
I took a job in a sewage treatment plant, but soon after my wife left me, saying that she couldn’t stand the way I smelt.
I took to drinking heavily, but nevertheless I was pretty happy. Every evening I came home and got drunk, and the smell of sewage hardly bothered me. Unfortunately I had to leave that job after contracting severe and chronic diarrhoea.
Since I was no longer able to pay my mortgage, I had to live on the streets for a while. Fortunately my arm had mostly healed, but my appalling diarrhoea meant that I was ostracised by the other homeless folk.
It was then that I decided to kill myself. I stole a shotgun from a farmer, propped it between the ground and my head and pulled the trigger. The next thing I knew, I was in a hospital, unable to walk. The bullet had passed straight through my brain, leaving me paralysed from the waist down.
Now I am homeless, wheelchair-bound and still have terrible diarrhoea problems. Also I am being prosecuted for stealing the gun and for illegally obtaining a firearm.
But my main problem is with that vile Christmas music that plays in the shops every Christmas. It really drives me up the wall. I don’t think I can stand another Christmas if I have to listen to that music again. What should I do?
I do sympathise with your problems. However, I’m pleased to tell you that there’s a simple answer to your difficulties. As soon as you get out of prison, move to Russia! In Russia there is no Christmas music in the shops at Christmas. That is why the Russian people have never really cared about such minor difficulties as oppressive murderous leaders and difficulty obtaining food. At least they don’t have to listen to that awful music.