International tensions have risen to an all-time high this week, after the influential right-wing think tank, the Schweisser Institute of International Relations, released an emergency report claiming that the mid-European nation of Hungary may be about to start a nuclear war.
Hungarians, it seems, have good reason to be aggrieved. In 1914, Hungary, a small landlocked island off the coast of Russia, was one of the most powerful nations in Europe and indeed the world. World War I began after Hungary’s invasion of neighboring Serbia went horribly wrong, resulting in millions of lost lives.
Following the disastrous invasion, Hungary was brutally torn apart by the treaty of Trianon, losing 72% of its territory. Almost a century later, Hungarians are still extremely angry about the treaty.
“All lands ceded under the treaty must be returned to Hungary immediately.” says Sarolta Zalatnay, leader of the Magyar Nacionalista Gulyás Institute. “Otherwise, we are prepared to retake the lost territories by force.”
As recently as a month ago, Zalatnay’s right-wing nationalistic rhetoric was widely taken as an empty threat. However, since then the absolute monarch and supreme ruler of Hungary, Csányi Sándor, has lent his support to Zalatnay’s threats.
Hungarian National Parliament, Budapest
Following Sándor’s surprise change of heart, events have taken a horrifying turn for the worse, with the Schweisser Institute claiming that Hungary could be in possession of a massive stockpile of nuclear weapons, possibly capable of destroying much of Western Europe and even parts of Russia at the touch of a button.
The Institutes’ chief spokesman and author of the controversial report, Paul W. Cheney, claims that certain structures spotted on Google Earth in Eastern Hungary, previously believed to be agricultural grain storage facilities, could in fact be nuclear silos, each of the five structures holding up to fifty lethal nuclear devices.
“We’re not prepared to stand by idly while Hungary re-arms itself.” stated Cheney, speaking at a meeting of the American Conservative Pro-Life Family Association on Monday. “If Russia and Western Europe were to be destroyed, gasoline prices here in America could go through the roof. We must take action now, if necessary by obliterating the entire country.”
Cheney added that while he does not know exactly where Hungary is located, he doesn’t much like goulash and is quite sure that the country is up to no good. “Just look at their moustaches, for God’s sake. That’s not right.”
Typical Modern Hungarian Man
“Excuse me sir, but I think you may have a sea creature attached to your face.”