Scientists at the Gregor University of East London in South Africa have today announced that Hitler’s head has been successfully recreated from DNA fragments.
The research has been hailed as a major scientific breakthrough, but animal rights organisations have condemned the work as “barbaric”.
“For many years now science has sought to recreate functioning human heads from preserved DNA.” said Professor F. de Rukker, leader of the team responsible for the research. “We decided to recreate Adolf Hitler’s head specifically so that he can finally be brought to trial for his crimes.”
The Professor added that he “entirely disagrees with the views of the historical German National-Socialist party”.
Hitler’s head is being kept alive by being grafted onto the body of a macaque monkey, and is said to already be capable of basic conversation in primitive German.
“He has already made some racist remarks against laboratory staff.” said Dr. Abri Botha, who is in charge of the daily care of the half-monkey, half-Nazi creature. “We have tried to explain to him that it is wrong to discriminate against people because of their race or religion, but he just shouts abuse at us and makes monkey noises. He also talks a lot about establishing a ‘Greater German Reich’, from which he says he will rule South Africa and parts of Botswana with a ‘ruthless iron unshakeable will’. We have to keep him sedated to stop him getting out of hand.”
Rumours are rife that the British National Party may try to adopt the disturbing creature as its new party head, and far-right leaders throughout Europe have expressed an interest in the research.
Meanwhile, the ground-breaking work has been condemned by animal rights organisations across the board. “It is profoundly wrong to confine monkeys to a laboratory for experimental purposes.” says British animal rights activist Sheridan P. Herbert. “This creature should be allowed to live freely in the jungle with the other monkeys.”
Asked whether there could be a danger of the creature starting a National-Socialist Monkey Party based around the idea of monkey racial superiority, Herbert answered simply, “No.”, but then appeared to lose his train of thoughts, and while staring into the distance with a mad glint in his eyes, added, “My God.”
Professor de Rukker says that his team will now attempt to recreate the heads of other leading Nazis, including Goebbels, Goering and Himmler. “We’ve been fattening up a big old chimp ready to have Goering’s meaty head grafted onto it.” he says.
The team says that while creating a horde of bizarre Nazi ape creatures may be controversial, it could be the only way to defeat global warming.
“Once we’ve got a full team of these freaky beasts springing about, there’s no question that we’ll be able to finally get a grip on global warming.” says de Rukker. “The ends justify the means. I just hope to God that — you know — they don’t try to take over. I guess we’ll just have to take that risk if we want a cure for cancer.”